Well... my oboe has been sent to California to be adjusted so that it's in perfect shape for my recital. That,...and so I'll have a bit of a break from practicing. I just hope my oboe got there before closing time at the shop so it doesn't sit outside for three days over the weekend..... AAAGH. Wouldn't that just be grand if I sent my oboe to have very minor adjustments done and it ended up getting cracked BECAUSE I sent it? Gaaaah. I'm getting sick of this. I can't wait until after my recital and I will never HAVE to play the oboe again. It will be simply on a voluntary basis. ::sigh::

So to take my mind off of that, I am currently watching exceedingly cheesy but somehow still entertaining ABC family made-for-TV-movies. Oh goodness.... heh. Well at least it's good to be home. =) Bonne nuit.

I have a new favorite spot on campus. Deb and I went for a walk out on the trails behind Peffer Park on this gorgeous afternoon. It was absolutely wonderful--the fresh outdoor scent, the light filtering in through the canopy of trees, the quiet creek trickling underfoot. One of the trails led up to a cliff overlooking a large section of the wildlife preserve. A crooked, ancient looking tree stood at the very top with its roots twisting and braiding along the cliff's edge. As we approached it, a host of butterflies encircled us. Have you ever been to one of those butterfly rooms at the zoo? It was a lot like that - only outside with no fences or crowds of strangers sharing the moment. The butterflies continued flying around us and momentarily landing on us until we eventually decided to head back. Quel beau jour!

Later, we went to see Surf's Up (yet another penguin movie... haha) in Hamilton. It was actually pretty cute. I was a little unsure of the style of the film - they treated it like a reality tv show, only with animated penguins - but it seemed to somehow work for them. The animation was spectacular as well. I couldn't believe the water and trees and everything - a lot of it looked awfully realistic. Seeing this movie really made me want to learn how to surf. So who wants to come with me to Hawaii? heh. I wish.

Since a lovely afternoon turned into such a beautiful evening, I went for a drive after the movie. I love just driving around deserted country roads with all the windows down in the summer. The gust of fresh air, the millions of twinkling stars up above... aaaah. *satisfied sigh* I pulled over and just looked up for a while, and I'm pretty sure I saw a shooting star. It's been a while since I've really felt God's presence like tonight. I really don't know why it takes me so long to go back.

Today was indeed refreshing and very much needed. Thanks =)

Le français me manque. (C'est probablement vrai que je suis folle; les courses de français sont difficiles, mais ils me manquent aussi). Meh. Je suis en train d'écouter Carla Bruni. Jusqu'à ce moment, je pensais que son nom est "Clara." Mais j'avais tort. Elle a une belle voix--les mélodies et harmonies sont superbes.

Je pense que mon iPod est cassé. =( Je l'ai depuis ma première année du fac. Je ne l'utilise pas TRÈS souvent, donc ce n'est pas une situation sévère. Je suis fatiguée; je sais que c'est une entrée courte, mais je veux dormir. Bonne nuit




Entry edit 6/04--translation: =)
I miss French. (It's probably true that I'm insane; my French classes are hard, but for some reason I miss them still). Meh. I'm listening to Carla Bruni. Until just now, I totally thought her name was "Clara." But I was wrong. She has a lovely voice--her melodies and harmonies are superb.

I think my iPod is broken =( I have had it since my first year of college. I don't use it SUPER often, so I guess it's not that big of a deal. I'm tired; I know this is a short entry, but I'm going to sleep. Good night

So I got bored and decided to make some changes to my journal. I think I like it--for now anyhow. We'll see if it lasts. I've just been feeling kind of restless lately; I think classes are getting to me. Meh, it happens. I am really excited for tomorrow, though. I am finally home for one of Josh's track meets. He's always being dragged to my concerts and whatnot, so it's nice to be able to make it to a sporting event for him. But that does mean getting up early... so I should get some sleep.

We performed our final concert of the season last night (Wind Ensemble). It was the first concert that I had been REALLY excited for in a long time. One of the trumpet players and I were talking earlier in the day about how we thought our interpretation of the piece was better than several recordings we have heard of it, and that this was going to be such a thrilling concert. And it really was--until the last piece. Hindemith's Symphony in Bb. Probably my all-time favorite piece that I have played (so far). I also had these really sweet solos; they were not showy or virtuosic, but cool, exciting, and...well, just plain fun to play. It took a while to get better at not being nervous playing these in rehearsals and whatnot, but the past couple weeks I feel as though I had been playing them really well. The entire ensemble was sounding SPECTACULAR on this piece during the couple weeks leading up to the performance--especially on the night of the dress rehearsal. My parents weren't able to make it to the concert, so I was looking forward to doing our best performance so that I'd have a great recording of it (both for them, as well as for me to remember it by.) The piece started out well enough (I didn't even get lost by not flipping the page soon enough, which happened in an earlier piece), but as soon as we got to my first solo, I hesitated. A nanosecond worth of hesitation and I was thrown off. Mr. Speck gave me a crystal clear cue, and I just... hesitated. So I come in a measure late, and it just sounded... bad. It was almost surreal; part of me was convinced that it wasn't really happening. Soon I'd wake up and we'd start the concert and everything would be fine. But unfortunately, it really was happening. The music was just passing me by. And of course, I couldn't stop thinking about it for the rest of the 19-minute piece which caused me to mess up on several other smaller solos.

It was all I could do to keep from tearing up during the actual piece (this was most likely due in part to an extremely stressful week. And the fact that I can at times be way too emotional for my own good.) Once it was over and I was standing with the ensemble to acknowledge the applause, I tried to just keep smiling. As soon as people were leaving their seats and the house lights went up, a few tears started to leak out. I felt frustrated and disappointed beyond belief. And ridiculous for crying about it. I tried to hide it and make it stop, but I couldn't. So as I went off stage, I dreaded passing through the backstage area, where Mr. Speck and Dr. Green and other people were standing but I went anyway. I apologized to Mr. Speck (this piece has a huge emotional/sentimental value to him), and i really don't remember what all he said. I think it was something like "don't worry about it, it wasn't that bad," and he asked if he cued me wrong. So I told him that he was fine, it was just me freaking out or something. Then Dr. Green (my music history professor and the music department chair...) came up to say "good job," but he saw that I had been sort of crying. Aaaaagh. I have never wished to be invisible more than in that moment. He was really kind--telling me that it sounded fine from where he was sitting and not to worry too much. He made me promise to take it easy that night and sleep in today. I have so much respect for the man and it was just so embarrassing for him to see me in that state. It's the same thing with Mr. Speck, but he has already seen me like that twice before in this semester.

I know it isn't THAT big of a deal; I didn't ruin the ENTIRE piece just by messing up a few solos. Some people in the audience that weren't familiar with the piece may not have even noticed. But the fact is that I am SO disappointed. This semester has been full of its letdowns and frustrations, and I was looking forward to actually doing something really well--something I could be proud of. I was going to finally play solos like a soloist. I was going to simply enjoy the piece and have such a great time making music with my colleagues. But that came crashing down before the piece had barely begun. AGH. I will never again have the chance to play this piece. There aren't many bands out there for adults to play in, and those that do exist are either not experienced enough to play the Hindemith or so good that I'd have no chance to be principal oboe.

I have never wanted a concert to go well so badly before. So naturally, I'm a bit upset that I completely botched my favorite piece. I just SO wanted to finally follow through on something and get things right when it really counts. Oh well. Life goes on. I'm just hoping that I can soon see how God is going to use this. I'm slowly learning this year that times of brokenness are blessings in disguise. It shows me how much I need Him, and in so doing, it allows me to feel more alive than ever. In my weakness, He is strong. "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. This is good to know, and it helps a ton. I also keep going back to Romans 8:38-39 ("For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.")

So yeah. That's what's going on. Also, I'm not looking forward to this week with its papers, exams, jury... but I know it'll be over soon and I'll have one glorious week off before summer classes start. =)

Isn't it ironic that the moments when you feel the loneliest are those moments when you suddenly notice how many happy couples there are in the world? Most days, I am really ok with where I am. I'm happy being single for now. For a long time from now, too, really... I know I'm not ready for any kind of serious relationship and it'll probably be a while before I'd even consider it. But somehow that still doesn't erase any lonliness/impatience on my part. Agh. I know things will turn out alright in the end, and I guess that's all I need to know for now. For the moment I ought to be putting all my concentration into this paper for music history due tomorrow. "The history of the oboe." Thrilling, I know. I just want it to be done so it can stop looming over my head. Why, oh WHY must I be such a skilled procrastinator?

Well, my first experience teaching in an actual school for a significant length of time has passed. I survived. Barely. Hah... All five of us who went to day had anywhere between 1-2 hours of sleep total the night before, and yet we managed to stay awake all day. Be impressed. At any rate... it wasn't too bad. I didn't do very well in my first class (6th grade orchestra beginners). I stuttered and stammered a lot (which I sort of expected, to be honest), and I wasn't very clear on when/where to start etc etc... Buuuutt... the second time I taught a class of 6th grade beginners was a ton better. I was more confident and enthusiastic overall, and I think I was more concise with my directions. I also didn't think I did TOO horribly with the 7th grade strings--I only had about 12 minutes with them and I probably did spend a little too much time discussing the piece rather than playing it... but it wasn't as scary as I thought it'd be to stand in front of them and conduct. It was still somewhat frightening, but I don't think I'll have nightmares. haha. I'm still not convinced this is what I want to do with my life, though. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

I still have conducting homework (that was due today). Agggh. I don't know why I can't seem to plan my time better. I always think things will take x amount of time, and they end up taking 4(x) instead. (Or even sometimes ((x^4)^x) or i suppose (x^(4x)). I dunno. I've been getting on my nerves lately in a lot of ways. The bad news about that is that I can't run away from me. If anyone or anything else annoys me, it's easy enough to put distance between the object and myself... but I can't seem to get far enough away from my own frailty. Oh well... I suppose I can't hold myself to an unrealistic standard... I just wish I could change some things. I suppose it will just take time and prayer. Well I'm getting back to homework. Bonne nuit.

p.s. no typos. woot.

So I never got dressed today; my pajamas were simply too comfortable. It was most definitely a lazy day. My family and I watched the Monk marathon for most of the day (I love that guy) and now we're watching Sleepless in Seattle. I REALLY don't want to go back to classes in a week. Mostly, I don't want to touch the oboe ever again. Hopefully that feeling will go away sometime relatively soon. But I guess we'll see. At any rate, I'm enjoying the down time.

p.s. I just spell checked this and there were NO typos. Go me. haha

Virtual Gifts
Deliver a gift where no other florist can -- to your friend's profile.

Virtual gifts are icons that can be purchased for anyone with a LiveJournal account. The gift icon will display in the recipient's profile for two (2) weeks before disappearing forever.




Does anyone else find this extremely ridiculous? At first I thought, "oh, that's a cute idea. people can send each other fun little icons like a pumpkin or some candy corn." But apparently you have to PAY for this silly icons to show up in your friends' profile for two weeks, before they disappear forever.... haha. Craziness. Well I would have sent them to y'all if they were free. So instead, I suppose it will simply have to suffice for me to say "happy halloween" in a slightly more boring fashion. so,


HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

Why is it so difficult to trust in someone who has NEVER let you down? If he/she has not once failed you or spoken false words to you, why is it so out of the question to believe that he/she will continue to do so? Someone who always keeps his promises and proves to be reliable and dependable through the most arduous of times is obviously someone in whom to put your faith. So why can't I do it?

I know I should. I know it is the logical and rational thing to do. And yet it is the one thing I struggle with most. I feel as though my knowledge has been growing rapidly this year, but perhaps my faith is lagging, holding me back. I fear that I am losing sight of what is truly important. I am so focused on the tiniest of details that I completely miss the big picture. And I'm not even sure that I comprehend what having genuine faith is actually about. It's more than just saying "I trust in God," because that is something I do. But I have a feeling there is more.

My issue at the moment is that deep down, I don't believe that God can actually have something significant planned for my life. I'm simply too flawed: I don't have enough talent (and what I do have, I don't use properly), I'm not committed enough, I don't show enough motivation, I've never really been good at being a leader, I'm immature, I don't understand much and am too easily confused, I'm too negative...etc etc. The list goes on. I used to consider myself a generally positive person, but now I have to wonder.

For whatever reason, I refuse to believe I am qualified to do anything important. One specific instance of this is my ensemble playing. I don't allow myself to believe that I am capable of being a decent soloist and overall musician, and my playing is suffering because of it. I make a mistake or two, and then proceed to fear the music; I pull the air back into my throat instead of allowing it to go through the oboe and resonate the way it should. I can feel tension everywhere in my body when I play, since I'm trying to restrain the music that is dying to be set free. It has actually started to be physically painful. What I am lacking is confidence. I think I'm letting the fact that I can't know everything stop me from learning what I can. It's the perfectionist in me. It's got to be all or nothing (which is a ridiculous concept when you think about it...). I don't know... I have confidence that God can take every other person and transform them into something beautiful, but I don't believe that He can do that for me. Why?

I can feel myself beginning to withdraw from the world, from God, from everything; simply because I don't think I'm going to be good enough or something, so I reject everyone before giving them a chance to reject me. Maybe? I don't know. I can't figure out how to properly put this into words. I just know that there's conflict--and a lot of it--going on inside me right now. And I really don't mean this entry to be so entirely negative... I think I'm using stronger language than maybe I mean to. I know I will be ok; I know that God will love me through everything, no matter how much I struggle with this, and that He'll be there to pick me up every time I fall. I guess it's just a matter of incorporating that hope into my daily life.



I feel a bit like Jeremiah:

"Ah, Sovereign Lord," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child." But the Lord said to me, "Do not say 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the Lord." (Jeremiah 1:6-8)

I ought to lean on Him and realize that He wouldn't place me somewhere I am not meant to be, and He won't tell me to do something for which He hasn't already equipped me.



Heh... I'm sure I'll get it eventually. It's just been a rough week so far. I'm excited for the weekend, though. There is a transfer student coming in from Washington (the state) for an audition Monday, so I'll get to show her around campus Saturday and Sunday. She seemed pretty nice on the phone, so it'll be nice to meet her. Anyhow, it's time to get some rest. Aaaaahhh, sleep. It's so much more than a great Eric Whitacre piece. Hahah. Yep, I'm a nerd.